The best way to get in my pants.

24 Oct

“You know, I find you incredibly attractive, and I definitely want to have sex with you. I’m just a shitty guy, so I know I’ll disappoint you and will be a terrible boyfriend.”

Be still my beating heart.

Also, probably the best compliment I’ve ever received. Like, ever. Because above all else, he thinks I’d be worthy to have sex with. Also, he finds me attractive, so win for me.

There’s absolutely nothing more irresistible than when a guy is so blatantly honest with me. I mean, it must truly mean he loves me since he’s comfortable enough to not beat around the bushes. I appreciate directness in courtship.

Other things men do to demonstrate how much they love you (ladies, pay close attention, because although these are based on true stories to my experience, yours may differ slightly, but don’t worry, he probably still loves you — which proves that you’re great. Men, take notes — these are incredibly effective tactics):

  1. He insists that he wishes it wasn’t a platonic relationship; he’s powerless to his ability to remain friends with you. You did put him in the friend zone with flirtatious pictures after all, you silly bitch.
  2. He invites you over to watch Futurama at 1:45am. Because really, who doesn’t love watching Futurama at 1:45am?
  3. He calls a psychic and asks about his future with you — on speakerphone.
  4. He makes little cinnamon hearts in the chai tea latte be brings you and vents to you about his girlfriend. They can be so demanding.
  5. He lets you know he doesn’t want to do anything to lead you on, then proceeds to kiss your neck.
  6. He breaks up with his girlfriend after he cheats on her with you, then decides he doesn’t really want to be with you after all — it was all just too hard on him, and he wants to just play it safe for now, you know, to protect his heart.
  7. He talks about your intelligence AND your beauty, and because you’re such a rare bird, he’s afraid he’ll fuck it up if he tries for anything serious. You’re too smart for him, and you wouldn’t want to set him up for failure.
  8. He prefers for you to come to his house; he doesn’t like the way your wood floors feel on his feet. Plus, he simply adores the way you make him sandwiches in his kitchen because you have the tendency to clean it up as you go.
  9. He introduces you to his friends, and then suggests you come over to be with them. At the same time.
  10. He tells you that someday, you’d be a perfect wife. But for now, he knows he’ll just break your heart, and he respects you too much to put you through that sort of pain.

Fuuuuck that.


8 Responses to “The best way to get in my pants.”

  1. Posky October 25, 2012 at 4:11 am #

    Sometimes feet just aren’t made for hardwood floors but usually someone is just awful.

    • avamaura October 26, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

      “I’ve heard it both ways.” — PSYCH.

  2. Aspen October 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

    While I’m usually the one pulling these tricks, numbers 7,9 & 10 are all too familiar. And I completely agree.. Fuuuck that.

    • avamaura October 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm #

      Don’t get me wrong, I pull my fair share of tricks (“Oh, sweetie, you wanted to stay the night? I’m gonna go with ‘no.’ I need my beauty sleep, and you’ve fulfilled your purpose”), but these little gems are probably my favorite examples of the ridiculousness that seeps into dating. I think I’ve mentally blocked the other ones.

      • TheLastSingleFriend October 24, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

        Oh, for sure! That’s the awesomeness that comes with single life. I look forward to reading more of your stuff! I saw you checked out my old blog. Here’s my new one that gets updated more regularly:

  3. LeTalib October 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm #

    nice post… i like i like

    • avamaura October 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

      Thanks! Sad to say, this just skims the surface. There’ll be plenty more to come.

      • LeTalib October 24, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

        aaaaaaah….no sadness..I am positively looking forward…………..!!!!

Talk to me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Feminist Teacher

educating for equity and justice



Hiking Photography

Beautiful photos of hiking and other outdoor adventures.

Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog is a digital youth culture magazine dedicated to your stories and ideas.

HarsH ReaLiTy

A Good Blog is Hard to Find

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

Deep Thoughts from the Shallow End of the Pool

A Single Girl's Unguide

Ticking the 'single' box with a grin.

Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

A non-comprehensive collection

Single Mom Confidential

The Journal of a Mom with a Writing Problem…

Break Room Stories

Service Industry Stories and More Since 2012

To Be Aware

It's all about disbelieving your thoughts

Flash Fiction Daily

A Flash Fiction Blog

Honest Toddler

juice, crackers. tv.

The Shut-in Stand-Up

A comedic look at modern life from the perspective of a traumatized but standing up shut-in.

Clockwork Banana

no chitter-chatter, only gibber-jabber


a place to put my thoughts on paper

The Good Greatsby

Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be somebody rich and famous.

%d bloggers like this: