I take RuPaul very seriously.

I’ve been single for two years, and by “single,” I mean my relationship status on Facebook has been “single” for two years. I’ve also lived alone for the last two years, during which time I’ve learned a considerable amount of things about myself that I otherwise wouldn’t have learned or appreciated. Shortly after ending that relationship (which lasted five years), I worked on rebuilding friendships that I’d let slip away, which brought me to a love of all things drag and all things RuPaul. I’d watch RuPaul’s Drag Race with my GBF (gay best friend), and by far my favorite thing from that show is her sign off phrase: “Honey, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else? Can I get an amen?” After all, I spent more time with myself than with anyone else.

So I’ve worked on loving myself, and in this process, I’ve learned the following things:

1. I buy pickles when I’m stressed. I currently have three jars in my fridge. Claussen. Kosher dill.
2. I hate pants, so much to the point that the second I walk through the threshold of my home and make it twenty feet into the door, they are on the floor (something I tend to forget when I bring company over — sometimes after drinks, sometimes before drinks).
3. I don’t particularly like to be touched when I’m sleeping. I barely like to cuddle with the cats. Instead, I prefer to starfish it, one limb on each corner of the bed, not touching anyone or anything else.
4. I can go weeks — I mean, weeks — without going to the grocery store. If it wasn’t for the cats, I’m sure I could make it months. I hate grocery shopping, loading and unloading my car, putting groceries away, etc.
5. Doing dishes sucks. On the rare occasion I do go to the grocery store, nearly all of my purchases don’t require dishes. Juice in small cartons so I can just drink from the box, string cheese, lunch meat, pickles (obviously), apples, break-away cookie dough — you get the picture. Same goes for wine: why dirty up a wine glass when I can just drink from the bottle? I’m not planning on sharing. Which brings me to my next point,
6. I don’t like to share.
7. Closed bathroom doors make me feel claustrophobic. That’s probably also because my bathroom is smaller than a handicapped stall.
8. Shoe graveyards/battle fields are much more efficient than having a shoe room. I have both, so I speak from experience.
9. I’m resourceful. Duct tape can fix nearly anything.
10. I get bored easily. I rearrange furniture on a nearly daily basis.
11. I own way too many clothes. When I’m stressed, I shop. When I’m happy, I shop. When I’m drinking, I online shop. As a result, I have a full closet with clothes double- and triple-stacked on hangers, a hall closet with two rows for hangers (the second made out of a curtain rod), two full dressers, a stack of clothes on a shelf, a box under my bed for tank tops, and another box with stuff I don’t wear as often so I get surprised when I dig through it because it’s like shopping, only I don’t spend any money.
12. It’s shocking, but I really don’t like talking. I talk all day long when I teach, and when I come home, I’ll say hello to the cats and ask how their day went just because they can’t respond and I have no obligatory conversation to hold with them.
13. I’m a vault, which is probably my best quality, because I can be told secrets and I take the oath of secrecy extremely serious. I’m also good at pretending I have no idea what people are talking about in order to keep the secret safe. This is a result of not talking to people all the time or having that trust with someone that goes along with being in relationships.
14. I laugh out loud, obnoxiously and hysterically, when I’m amused, which I’ve come to learn annoys people, as so delicately pointed out by my sister who judges me when I exert a squeak of laughter at nothing in particular.
15. I cry when I’m happy or mad, but rarely ever when I’m sad. I’ll often go through phases where I watch nothing but cute proposal videos, surprise homecomings, shocking talent on shows like The X Factor that I can find on YouTube so I can fulfill what I think to be a crying quota out of happiness in the comfort of my home.
16. I, like honey badger, don’t give a shit.

–AM.