So about a month ago, unbeknownst to me, I was supposed to have completed online sexual harassment training. I got a passive aggressive email from my boss today, informing me that I need to complete this online training immediately so the certificate of completion can be sent to HR (I asked for a copy so I can frame it).
As I’m going through the myriad of lessons about what constitutes sexual harassment, who can sexually harass/be harassed, and quiz questions, I’m Facebook chatting with one of my favorite people, B. Here goes part of that conversation:
Me: I get to do online sexual harassment training.
I’m doing it now, as a matter of fact.
You should be jealous.
B: Well. Good thing you don’t work for me.
Me: I personally disagree with everything in here.
It said that sexual harassment can lower employee morale.
Personally, I’m much more motivated to work when I’m being sexually harassed. I’m also more motivated to look nice, which increases productivity.
B: I’m still laughing about the PCD night. [See “Sexy like a cotton ball” blog]
Me: Me too.
I’m learning about quid quo pro sexual harassment. I love the way it was explained: “this for that, so if quid pro quo sexual harassment occurs, a supervisor (or other manager) has requested sexual favors in exchange for providing job benefits–or a supervisor (or other manager) has threatened to deny job benefits in order to gain sexual favors.”
B: So, is there such thing as supervisor with benefits?
Me: And not health benefits. But yes.
B: Well, good sex is healthful.
Me: I’m slightly offended. All of the images are of an old black man.
He repositions himself expressing disdain to emphasize the tone of the computerized voice. Like the news he’s getting about sexual harassment is getting progressively worse, and he’s seriously reconsidering working for this company based on their policies.
B: What, old black men need ass, too.
Heh heh. I said “old.”
Me: It just seems slightly racist.
Old white men need ass, too.
So do old black women. Or old white women.
E’erybody need ass.
Me:
Me: Nailed it.
B: Clearly, you can’t answer that without knowing whether he’s hot.
Me: Clearly! Stupid online training… It’s so unrealistic. Obviously there are always mitigating circumstances.
B: Written by asexual robots. Which is prolly redundant.
Me: “You just learned about quid quo pro sexual harassment. But wait, there’s more types of sexual harassment! There are TWO types of sexual harassment: there’s also hostile environment sexual harassment!”
I gained a regular booty call from sexual harassment at work.
B: And if they AREN’T hot, isn’t it all harassing?
Me: Exactly.
If the person is hot, it’s flattery. If they’re ugly, I’ll scream.
B: There’s your seminar.
Eew? Harassment. Ahhhh! Not.
Me: Precisely.
I’m hoping that’ll come out.
That’s what she said.
B: I thought she hoped it would stay in.
Me: Trick question. The scenario was a woman who supervises this guy she wants to have sex with and asks him out on a date. He’s also interested, and gladly accepts. Sexual harassment or no?
B: Applying the “Eew/Ahhh” rule, nope. Hope they hook up like rabbits. Good for them.
Me: That’s how I answered. There really should be a fill in the blank option. Here’s my favorite:
Fact: Ethel and Lucille work together in a software firm. Ethel often makes inappropriate comments about Lucille. Lucille is offended by Ethel’s remarks.
Fact: Ethel is an ugly name, therefore it is sexual harassment.
B: HAHAHA
How much longer? The thingy. You’re watching. For work.
Me: I’m 41% done because I keep stopping to screenshot it and laugh hysterically.
Also, because although there’s text I could easily skim through, I like hearing the robot voice man say “sex.”
It’s like C3PO teaching me about sexual harassment. When he describes the scenarios, it’s almost like dirty-talk.
B: Cold. But long lasting.
Probably not much of a cunnilinguist.
C3PO.
Me: I just pictured the scene in Dumb and Dumber with the frozen pole. A fill in the blank option would be fantastic. I wonder if the computerized voice could be programmed to respond to fill in the blank options. I’m sure it could. I’d talk to it. Call it “tonguefucking C3PO.” See if I can strike a chord, maybe get him to talk about R2D2.
B: That should be a model of C3PO. Normal C3PO, and Toungefucking C3PO. I wonder which model would be more popular.
Me: Clearly the TF C3PO. Nerds gotta get some, too. Tappin’ dat ass.
B: Especially nerds.
Not to be confused with the discontinued YOLO C3PO. You Only Lick Once. “Dumped him.” “Why?” “HOLO.” “Bastard.” See also, “SOSO.”
Me: “How’s that femmC3PO?” “She’s so-so, also SOSO, so, that’s really why she was so-so.”
B: Would one tap femmC3PO’s ass, or tink it?
Ditto, the tin man.
Me: Tink is more aesthetically pleasing.
B: “With a tink and a squeak, he shuddered as his hot oil shot across her sweaty navel…”
Ava, on her online sex training, “I really thought this would have more helpful ‘how-to’ information.”
Me: Yet another sexual encounter ending with disappointment.
And gin.
B: Well, there’s always gin and a dangerously hot bath.
Me: That’s what I call a Monday night.
…
Since I was otherwise occupied with above conversation, I crossed my fingers and hoped to FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster) the sexual harassment training I learned from watching the episode “Sexual Harassment” on The Office would come in handy.
It totally did.
–AM.
P.S., for more screenshots from my online sexual harassment training, see new page “Sexual Harassment Training.”
avamaura 