Tag Archives: advice

The best way to get in my pants.

24 Oct

“You know, I find you incredibly attractive, and I definitely want to have sex with you. I’m just a shitty guy, so I know I’ll disappoint you and will be a terrible boyfriend.”

Be still my beating heart.

Also, probably the best compliment I’ve ever received. Like, ever. Because above all else, he thinks I’d be worthy to have sex with. Also, he finds me attractive, so win for me.

There’s absolutely nothing more irresistible than when a guy is so blatantly honest with me. I mean, it must truly mean he loves me since he’s comfortable enough to not beat around the bushes. I appreciate directness in courtship.

Other things men do to demonstrate how much they love you (ladies, pay close attention, because although these are based on true stories to my experience, yours may differ slightly, but don’t worry, he probably still loves you — which proves that you’re great. Men, take notes — these are incredibly effective tactics):

  1. He insists that he wishes it wasn’t a platonic relationship; he’s powerless to his ability to remain friends with you. You did put him in the friend zone with flirtatious pictures after all, you silly bitch.
  2. He invites you over to watch Futurama at 1:45am. Because really, who doesn’t love watching Futurama at 1:45am?
  3. He calls a psychic and asks about his future with you — on speakerphone.
  4. He makes little cinnamon hearts in the chai tea latte be brings you and vents to you about his girlfriend. They can be so demanding.
  5. He lets you know he doesn’t want to do anything to lead you on, then proceeds to kiss your neck.
  6. He breaks up with his girlfriend after he cheats on her with you, then decides he doesn’t really want to be with you after all — it was all just too hard on him, and he wants to just play it safe for now, you know, to protect his heart.
  7. He talks about your intelligence AND your beauty, and because you’re such a rare bird, he’s afraid he’ll fuck it up if he tries for anything serious. You’re too smart for him, and you wouldn’t want to set him up for failure.
  8. He prefers for you to come to his house; he doesn’t like the way your wood floors feel on his feet. Plus, he simply adores the way you make him sandwiches in his kitchen because you have the tendency to clean it up as you go.
  9. He introduces you to his friends, and then suggests you come over to be with them. At the same time.
  10. He tells you that someday, you’d be a perfect wife. But for now, he knows he’ll just break your heart, and he respects you too much to put you through that sort of pain.

Fuuuuck that.

–AM.

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